Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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