I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
