I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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