What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
