I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
