i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
