so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
