I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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