it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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