i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
