i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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