Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
