I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you had me at cake vodka
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
