I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
