just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
