My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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