She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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