Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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