Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
