you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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