You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
this hospital has no fireball
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
