Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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