i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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