oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize