A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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