question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
3 2 1 whiskey
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
