Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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