He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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