I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
