I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
