hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize