wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
