I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
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