Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
