I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
