3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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