haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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