It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
