Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
