Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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