peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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