I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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