Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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