i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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