I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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