Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
