I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
