I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
