I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just invented taco cereal.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
