Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
