dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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