The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
