That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
