woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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