I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
sarcasm needs its own font
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
