I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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