my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
